Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
