Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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