you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?