I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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