brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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