I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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