mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
