you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
