I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
