So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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