Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
