my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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