the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
