Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.