So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
