just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
