so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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