I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
