it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
