That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
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My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now