Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
