I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
