I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
