so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
