he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
