So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
