he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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