I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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