if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
