I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
