So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
