i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
