FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
