i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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