If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
