How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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