apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
