we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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