I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
