Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
