I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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