don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
