so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
