Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
