remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
