im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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