Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
