the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
