i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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