I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
