The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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