Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
